Free At Last! (Woodward)

Pseudopharoahisms (the Rev.Tom Woodward)

Those of you who have been following The Episcopal Majority over the past two weeks are aware that an anonymous hacker has littered our site with frogs, thus identifying (his) actions with that of The Lord God and thus risking eternal damnation for violating at least three of the Top Ten Commandments.

After an exhausting investigation into the matter, we have narrowed the probable motives for this invasion into the privacy and dignity of The Episcopal Majority to:

1. “Frog” is an anagram of “Go, Fr!” in obvious reference to the hacker’s deep appreciation for the clergy contributions to The Episcopal Majority. (As an ordained person, this is my first choice.)
2. The frogs did originate from The Lord God as punishment for the hacker’s stealing our domain name (“…com”). Hal or Harriet Hacker simply dumped on us what had been dumped on him or her or them. This is known in high tech circles as “Derivative Frogging.”
3. The frogs did originate directly from The Lord God to TEM as a Sign to The Episcopal Majority to “let those people go,” in reference to dissidents who are threatening to abandon the Episcopal Church, anyway. Under this scenario, The Episcopal Majority is a sign to the Episcopal majority. This view is buttressed by similar humor in the Christian Scriptures (“You are Petros (‘rock’) and upon this Rock (‘petros’) I will build my church") – and further buttressed by the irony that Peter Akinola is leading the effort to stone Christians he neither knows nor understands. [1]
4. The frogs were bestowed upon our site by the World Wide Anglican Communion to mark our distinction in the theological and ecclesiologial world. Note that in academic processions the vesture for a Chancellor is: “Black brocaded silk gown and long closed sleeves and square collar trimmed with gold lace and gold frogs [emphasis added]. The Vice-Chancellor, the Chancellor’s Assistant and the Senior Governer [sic] also wear frogs on their gowns. [2]
5. The hacker is, simply, a jerk – for hacking into our site and for doing it anonymously.

What shall be the response of The Episcopal Majority?

1. We shall pray for Hal/Harriet Hacker as commanded by Jesus.
2. We shall order up Anti-Locust software immediately and install it.
3. We shall apply to the Oxford Dictionary of the English Language for recognition in uncovering the word “Pseudopharoahism” from ancient Constantinoplen texts.
4. We thank all of you for sticking with us during this frustrating time.
5. We especially offer our prayers of gratitude and thanksgiving to the blogger "PseudoPiskie" – who shall henceforth be known as Moses – for ridding us of this plague of frogs.


[1] Notice that Jesus did not refer to either Bob or Martyn as the cornerstone of the church.
[2] As a member of the Steering Committee of The Episcopal Majority (and graduate of Harvard College), I have a silver frog on my own academic gown. Q.E.D.